Enid Has New Plan for Downtown
The City of Enid, in their quest to be exactly like Bricktown, has asked for proposals to provide architectural services for construction of new downtown hotels along with several other new additions to the area.
Since, of course, the City is only interested in what they want and what will line their own pockets, they have not shared their plans with the community, but instead have made all the decisions in a dark, smoky back room in an undisclosed location. Interestingly, the new plans call for a swanky cigar lounge called The Back Room Lounge, a place where real men can make deals. An unnamed source, hereinafter referred to as “He Who Shall Not Be Named,” provided us with a copy of these plans created by The City Fathers. “They were written on a napkin, but as you can plainly see, they are hotel happy down there in City Hall.”
“They have eleventy million dollars and they’re going to blow it all on fancy hotels and elitist eateries and stores. We don’t need no more stores and I’ll be golldarned if they’re gonna get one penny outta me. I’ll drive to Wichita to buy my milk afore I give them one red cent. And they need to fix my street,” said He Who Shall Not Be Named in an interview Thursday.
We contacted the City to ask about these plans and learned that the City is calling the new plan The Enid Fancy Pants Hotel Program. An estimated 27 new hotels will be built in downtown Enid. The centerpiece and what Enid hopes will become its pièce de résistance will be a 16 story hotel called The Saltwater Inn that will also house a number of posh shops. The aforementioned Back Room Lounge will be located in the lobby of the Saltwater Inn, as well as a full service sports bar called Cronies, where no one cares about your name. The menu will be printed in all capital letters and will boast the Benson Burger as its specialty. Humble Pie and Crow will not be on the menu; however, Mayor Criner’s “Let Them Eat Cake” chocolate explosion is expected to be a big hit.
In order to complete the hotel program,
every building in the downtown area will have to be demolished as well as all the other historical buildings in a 20 mile radius. “We do not want to give the appearance that we like old buildings in Enid. We hate them and we want them all gone. No one cares about history,” one spokesperson for the City said. “We are also considering doing away with the entire east side of Enid,” she added.
Because of the high level of paranoia the new plan has caused, one local entrepreneur has decided to open another store in the lobby of the Saltwater Inn that will sell only the highest quality aluminum and tin foil hats and sundry head gear.
“We are aware that The City Fathers have devices to read our minds and control us, but this high fashion and highly technical head gear will alleviate any mind control attempts by the City and will at least provide us with some semblance of completely false security,” the hatter explained. The store will be called The Tin Foil Haberdashery. The store will be open at random and unannounced times due to the nature of its business.
It is undecided whether the City will carry out the gateway plan that was recently voted down and it has since been determined that the gateway was not an aesthetic entrance into downtown as the City described it, but was in reality a UFO landing beacon. Sources have disclosed that there is a possibility the City Manager that owns land outside the Enid area conducts alien experiments in his barn. These rumors are at this time unsubstantiated but the sources base their theories on his past military involvement and the fact that “he ain’t from around here,” as one source put it.
The citizens are up in arms about the proposed plan because they do not wish to see Enid expand or progress. They are content with the status quo and would be thrilled to see nothing new ever built in Enid again as long as there are pristinely maintained streets. “We don’t want anyone new and we don’t want any tourists. We like it just the way it is.”
Some people have described driving into Enid as entering something akin to the Twilight Zone and that there is an oppressive bubble of sorts around the community. Upon further research, we have discovered this is actually a force field around the city to keep the thoughts of the more forward thinking citizenry from getting out into the universe. Said force field also has a thought harvesting program wherein all the thoughts of the citizens are fed into a computer that only the City Fathers have access to.
2011 was to see new City Commissioners be seated but it has been decided by the Powers That Be that the city council will no longer be necessary and They will be making all the decisions from now on. “It just makes everything so much easier,” the City Manager said when asked about the decision to eradicate the council. “My cronies and I can handle it,” he added.