Not Really by Kristi Balden

Enid, Police Report:
On Monday afternoon, police responded to a road rage incident in the St. Mary’s Hospital entrance, involving two volunteers operating the SaintMobile golf carts. Volunteer golf cart driver, Kenneth Rice, 81, of Enid, is alleged to have provoked a second volunteer, 77 year-old Frank Smythe, of Garber, at approximately 2:00 p.m. in parking row “B” in the St. Mary’s parking lot.

Smythe

Smythe insisted on removing his shirt for his mug shot, and asked if a copy could be sent to Erma, “the best oatmeal cookie maker,” with the Sister’s Cupboard.

Smythe told responding officers, “That s.o.b. knew I was headed to row “B” to pick up the lady parking her blue Chevy Tahoe.” Witnesses report that just south of the large flower pot, on the short bridge, Rice’s golf cart swerved and cut in front of Smythe’s cart. Thus, Rice was the first to arrive at the blue Tahoe, inciting anger and a string of profanity from Smythe.
Allegedly, Rice dropped off the female driver of the Tahoe at the front entrance to the hospital safely, even though Smythe had tailgated Rice’s cart the entire way back. Rice responded to Smythe’s verbal attack and tailgating by grabbing an African violet out of the hands of discharged, gall-bladder removal patient, Lucy Homes. Rice hurled said violet at Smythe’s golf cart, though no injuries occurred due to the flower pot only striking the plastic rain-guard curtain, which Smythe had pulled down due to a “smattering of rain” earlier.
Witnesses stated that Rice then jumped back in his golf cart and “peeled out.” Smythe pursued him, and the chase continued through rows C,D & E, of the parking lot, reaching speeds in excess of 4 miles per hour before both carts came to a stop in the covered circle drive of the hospital’s main entrance.

When police arrived on the scene, Rice and Smythe had abandoned their golf carts and were engaged in a “slap fight,” since neither man could make a fist due to arthritis.

Rice

Rice was “somewhat combative.” According to police because he thought it was unfair that Smythe got more of a “glamour shot,” style mugshot.

Initially, police had a difficult time getting statements from either man, because both had their dentures slapped out during the physical confrontation. Eventually, Smythe’s teeth were recovered in the revolving front door of the hospital, along with Rice’s bottom denture. Unfortunately for Rice, his top teeth were not found, and he had to give his entire statement without using words containing the “th” and “s” sounds. During the course of the investigation, officers determined that Monday’s road rage incident appears to be the apex of a long-standing feud between the two men that started in September. Homer Fitz, a fellow volunteer, and friend of the two men, claims that during a private poker game, Rice lost his entire month’s worth of Viagra when Smythe pulled a full house out of nowhere.

Charges are pending, but both men have been dismissed from their volunteer positions at St. Mary’s for “behavior unbecoming a SaintMobile Driver.” At press time, the driver of the blue Tahoe was unavailable for comment, as she was still “a little loopy from anesthesia,” according to her family. The African violet is in critical condition, and is not expected to make it due to the fact that it’s an African violet and they’re really damned hard to keep alive in the first place.