Massage Service

Woman Renewed aims to help their clients, “wash away the stress of work, the challenges of parenting, and the frustration caused by the total incompetence of that asshole you’re married to.”

Not Really by Kristi BaldenEnid’s high end spa and massage clinics have some new, and very real competition. Woman Renewed, which focuses solely on women’s health and relaxation,  is the brain-child of Enid’s own Melinda Bobbitt.  “There are several nice places in Enid to relax and get a massage,” Bobbitt said, “but I wanted to offer something women can’t get anywhere else.”   In late August, Woman Renewed opened its doors and unveiled it’s hallmark service geared towards helping women and mothers relax and de-stress.  Berate a Husband, the spa’s interactive service, has become an instant success. Bobbitt explained, “Women can come in for a full body massage and hit the sauna, and then complete their relaxation full circle by verbally and emotionally abusing a man they can pretend is their husband.”

Because the Berate a Husband service can get quite loud, or clients may scream about some very private issues, finding an appropriate location for the new spa was key.  “Needing something a little more secluded was most important,” Bobbitt illuminated, “and why we settled on Oakwood Mall as our ideal location.”

To utilize the service, clients can book a stand-in husband for half an hour, an hour, or a full ninety minute session.  Acceptable use of the service can include just nagging or yelling at the husband for the duration, but clients can incorporate a variety of coping techniques including glaring at him while refusing to speak at all, belittling his prowess in the bedroom, or repeatedly trying to teach him how to properly fold a fitted bed sheet, while insulting his intelligence for being unable to do so.  “The women love it. We’re booked solid through late spring. ” said Bobbitt. Though, Bobbitt did admit that finding staff to fill the position of stand-in husband has been some-what of an obstacle. “We haven’t been able to find the key to retention in this employee area,” confessed Bobbitt.

Duane Bigler, the current stand-in husband, tried to convey the pitfalls of his job. “These bitches are crazy!” Bigler said. “Like matching up two corners of a sheet, that has all that bunched up elastic crap, is a talent we should have been born with?!” Bigler fumed.

Former employee Josh Resteau, said he tried to warn Bigler before he accepted the position. “I was like, hey man, I thought this job would be a breeze compared to my last job,” recalled Resteau, a former employee of Reptile Wilderness in Tampa, “Once I got the alligator’s mouth held shut, and flipped them onto their backs, they would calm down and quit fighting.” Resteau then went on to explain about a particularly bad day at work in which the pinky finger on his left hand was stripped of all its flesh, down to the bone. “Evidently she was furious about some event at his class reunion that involved tequila and some slut from the pom squad,” he recounted.

Duane Bigler

Employee, Duane Bigler, takes a refreshing, five minute coffee and Vicodin break between appointments.

Acknowledging the challenges of the job, owner Bobbitt has instituted hazard pay to employees who have appointments with post-partum and menopausal clients. “While technically, physical contact isn’t allowed, enforcing that rule has been…well…challenging,” said owner Bobbitt as she looked over a chart that indicated a staggering 79% resignation rate for stand-in husbands during the first 3 months of the unique service.

Never-the-less, the creative approach to helping women relax has been so popular that Bobbitt envisions even more related services being added “We’re looking into the option of offering services like Tell Your Mother-in law What You Really Think of Her, and Using Profanity Around Young Children,” she excitedly added. In the mean time, Bobbitt continues to take applications for more stand-in husbands to meet the current demand. No husband experience is necessary to apply, but applicants must be up to date on their tetanus vaccines and carry their own disability insurance.