Billboard In the wake of a new City Commission being seated, there has been much speculation about the reason many of the commissioners seem to agree with the City Manager on issues facing the City of Enid.

“The ones that do get elected, for some strange reason, quickly get hypnotized by Eric Benson,” stated one Enid citizen.*

The Route 60 Sentinel investigation team uncovered an internal memorandum from Benson telling the new commissioners to “only drink the cherry flavored Flavor Aid…”  We can only assume he favors cherry over grape due to his affinity for Cherry Dr. Pepper.

One commissioner, who wished to remain anonymous stated, “It’s weird – like he has some crazy mind control skills and even if I want to be mad at him, I just can’t.”

Upon further research, it has been determined that not only have the commissioners been hypnotized, but many of the city employees have been as well.  We interviewed several employees at the City of Enid and were unable to find even one that had anything negative to say about the City Manager.  Men and women alike, City staff stands by their man.

“He has made amazing changes around here and we don’t know what we would do without him,” said one anonymous staffer.  Interestingly, our interviews with City employees took place in a dark room in the basement where a constant slide show presentation of Benson’s accomplishments was being played for staff members enjoying break time.  The slide show was accompanied by Beatles music being played in reverse on an old record player.

It has been suggested that possibly he is simply very astute and performs his duties well, but that theory is too far fetched for the citizenry of Enid.  Some are concerned that his military background, dazzling personality, strong jaw line, exceptional mustache, and Flavor Aid mixing ability would equip him with the skills necessary to be an effective cult leader.

“He does live out there in the country, you know,” stated another Enid citizen who wished to remain nameless.  “If he knows our names, he’ll get to us, too!” they said.

 

Times Commissioner Wilson has disagreed with City Manager Benson.

Some citizens have stated that they will be waiting with baited [sic] breath over the next four years to see if Ward 5 Commissioner Tammy Wilson ever disagrees with Eric Benson about anything.*  Interestingly, they seem to have forgotten that Wilson was one of the most outspoken citizens against the City Manager during the early years of Benson’s Reign of Terror.  “I’ve been keeping track on a chalkboard in my kitchen,” she reports, “I’ve disagreed with him at least twice in the last week.”

When asked about his uncanny mind control capabilities, Wilson states, “I have thus far been able to avoid his direct gaze and he has not been able to suck me into the dark side.”  Wilson states she remains hopeful that this will continue to be the case.  “As long as I wear my tin foil hat, I’m confident I’ll be fine.”

Many studies have been done on the characteristics of cult leaders, of which Benson seems to exhibit merely one of twenty traits, that of being charismatic, but that is enough according to many Enid citizens.  “People that meet him like him – that’s just not natural.  He’s got to be doing something shady.  The newspaper never says anything nice about him, and, well, it’s the news, so obviously they’re right,” one Enid man asserted.

The Route 60 Sentinel will be establishing a tip hotline for anyone with information regarding the nefarious dealings of the City Manager.  For example, learning that he has a bunker full of Spam and guns would be a relevant reason to call the tip line.  If you are just angry about a pot hole, please refrain from using the hotline and instead send those berating emails directly to the commissioners.  Do not just send it to yours; send it to all of them and you might as well include any City staff person that you have an email address for as well.  And do not hesitate to tell them they are all going to prison because you have no understanding of how things are really done at City Hall and you live in an alternate dimension.

And thank you for living in and supporting Enid, a city of neighborly love and encouragement.

 

 

Enid's Minionaire

Eric Benson, Enid's Minionaire

* These are actual quotes made by anonymous people on ENE article comments.