Not Really by Kristi BaldenChanges at Old Navy

Almost since its inception, the Old Navy brand has been known for its unique method of consistently labeling most of their clothing as being at least two sizes smaller than the industry standard. Ben Voss, President of Marketing explains, “If your wife purchases a size ten skirt in any department store, you can rest assured that at Old Navy, she’ll fit nicely into a six.” He’s quick to point out, there is no disparity in men’s sizing either, “Likewise, your husband can drink all the beer he wants and we can guarantee, he’ll proudly slip into those size 34 waist cargo shorts.” Voss points out the advantages to men by stating, “Those 38” waist Dockers at JC Penney will have to be shoved under his gut, and ride tightly belted on his pubic bone just to keep his entire ass crack from showing in the back. Not true of an Old Navy 34” waist.”

Beer Belly

“Our model Bob here, in the picture, is clearly a size 34 waist,” Said Ben Voss, President of Marketing for Old Navy, “but, we here at Old Navy feel like someone owes it to Bob to make those size 34’s fit around his colossal gut.”

The old method of labeling sizes at Old Navy was quite successful at keeping Americans from noticing they were getting fat. But, an in-depth study done in conjunction with The University of Oklahoma showed that the whole number system was just too confusing to many of the retailer’s customers. On Monday, Voss assured stock holders that Old Navy will continue the long-held tradition of blowing smoke up the customers’ asses about their weight, “We will always lead the way in creating a delusionally high level of body image and self-esteem.” To that end, the clothing giant announced that almost every tag in the store will now have a size that simply reads, “The same size you wore in High School.” The one exception to the new sizing system will be the women’s size zero, targeted at young females. “That specific size will continue to be made to fit someone who is at least 5’10”, and ideally weighs less than ninety-eight pounds.” explained Voss. Those items in the store that were previously a size zero, or zero slim, will now just be labeled with the size “Remuda Ranch.”

Thin Model

Before settling on the new name for their size zero and zero slim women’s clothing, executives pondered several choices including Exslacks, Ana-Mia, and Dialysis Divas.

CEO of operations, Oliver Hunt released a public statement later in the day Monday to clear up a handful of rumors that quickly cropped up. In the statement, Hunt writes, “Nothing else about our store will change except the sizing labels. Americans can continue to count on the same standard of customer service they’ve always received when they shop at Old Navy.” The statement goes on to read: “This includes the employees talking to each other on headsets while ignoring you, non-sale items being strategically placed on the sale rack so that when you get to the check out your total is fifty dollars more than you anticipated, and above all, the young people working in the dressing room will do nothing to hide how ridiculous they think you look in that outfit.”

PepsiCo Announces New Pepsi Formula
 
In a last ditch effort to capture the loyalty of some of the world’s Coca-Cola drinkers, the new formula for Pepsi is set to hit store shelves in early August. While the ingredients of the new formula is unknown due to intense security, test subjects report loving the new beverage to the degree that some even stopped eating food, or going to their jobs, in an effort to focus full time on finding ways to acquire the yet unreleased soft drink. In an unanticipated security breach, someone at world headquarters is responsible for leaking the name of Pepsi’s newest incarnation of the formerly, only semi-popular soda. Though this information is unconfirmed, it appears that there will be two versions of the new pop, one called “Oxy-Pepsi,” and the other, more intense, “Contin-Pepsi Plus.” Enid retailers expect a spike in sales, while some area doctors’ offices are bracing for a spike in cancelled appointments.