Business Beat: Old Navy Renames All Sizes “The Same Size You Wore in High School.”

Changes at Old Navy

Almost since its inception, the Old Navy brand has been known for its unique method of consistently labeling most of their clothing as being at least two sizes smaller than the industry standard. Ben Voss, President of Marketing explains, “If your wife purchases a size ten skirt in any department store, you can rest assured that at Old Navy, she’ll fit nicely into a six.” He’s quick to point out, there is no disparity in men’s sizing either, “Likewise, your husband can drink all the beer he wants and we can guarantee, he’ll proudly slip into those size 34 waist cargo shorts.” Voss points out the advantages to men by stating, “Those 38” waist Dockers at JC Penney will have to be shoved under his gut, and ride tightly belted on his pubic bone just to keep his entire ass crack from showing in the back. Not true of an Old Navy 34” waist.”

“Our model Bob here, in the picture, is clearly a size 34 waist,” Said Ben Voss, President of Marketing for Old Navy, “but, we here at Old Navy feel like someone owes it to Bob to make those size 34’s fit around his colossal gut.”

The old method of labeling sizes at Old Navy was quite successful at keeping Americans from noticing they were getting fat. But, an in-depth study done in conjunction with The University of Oklahoma showed that the whole number system was just too confusing to many of the retailer’s customers. On Monday, Voss assured stock holders that Old Navy will continue the long-held tradition of blowing smoke up the customers’ asses about their weight, “We will always lead the way in creating a delusionally high level of body image and self-esteem.” To that end, the clothing giant announced that almost every tag in the store will now have a size that simply reads, “The same size you wore in High School.” The one exception to the new sizing system will be the women’s size zero, targeted at young females. “That specific size will continue to be made to fit someone who is at least 5’10”, and ideally weighs less than ninety-eight pounds.” explained Voss. Those items in the store that were previously a size zero, or zero slim, will now just be labeled with the size “Remuda Ranch.”

Before settling on the new name for their size zero and zero slim women’s clothing, executives pondered several choices including Exslacks, Ana-Mia, and Dialysis Divas.

CEO of operations, Oliver Hunt released a public statement later in the day Monday to clear up a handful of rumors that quickly cropped up. In the statement, Hunt writes, “Nothing else about our store will change except the sizing labels. Americans can continue to count on the same standard of customer service they’ve always received when they shop at Old Navy.” The statement goes on to read: “This includes the employees talking to each other on headsets while ignoring you, non-sale items being strategically placed on the sale rack so that when you get to the check out your total is fifty dollars more than you anticipated, and above all, the young people working in the dressing room will do nothing to hide how ridiculous they think you look in that outfit.”

Kristi Balden

While writing for various blogs and websites has been something I've only dabbled in for the last couple of years, writing has always been a part of who I am. My family is probably more excited than I am about my new adventure here on the Route 60 Sentinel. These are the kinds of pieces that my family was forced to read because they were the only audience I had for my strange brand of meaningless humor. To know that there are even a few people out there who share my desire to smile about something stupid, is heart-warming.

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