(Enid, OK) – City Manager Eric Benson arrived to work on Thursday morning to gloomy looks from City Staff.
A Route 60 source can exclusively confirm that after seeing their faces, Benson could hardly contain himself. “No, he was not overcome with sadness. He was dying of laughter,” our bewildered unnamed source said. We want to thank Assistant City Manager Joan Riley for calling in that anonymous report.
According to other sources, Benson threw his stuff down and ran out into the parking lot where he immediately called someone on his phone. He shouted loudly into the phone, “STUBER! THEY BOUGHT IT!! HAHAHA! THEY FREAKING BOUGHT IT!”
The Mayor immediately released a statement thanking Eric for his service and wonderful joke. According the the report, “It seems, Eric was just having fun with us or just me…I don’t know. We will coordinate a news release at some point.”
The official press release from the City of Enid arrived a few hours later as per standard operating procedure.
According to the press release, not only is Mr. Benson staying on as City Manager for an additional 5 years, he has also taken over the position of Assistant City Manager, relegating Joan Riley to the newly created position of “Junior Assistant City Manager in Charge of Other Stuff.”
In bolder moves yet, Benson released a list of “Stuff that’s gonna happen now!”
STUFF THAT’S GONNA HAPPEN NOW!
- Screw it, we’re building parks!
- If you’ve complained about your roads, he’s got the solution. They’ve kept track of complaints and the new plan is to remove the asphalt from your road down to the dirt. They will then recycle all that asphalt and fill the rest of the potholes in the City.
- The trail system is now scheduled to be completed by the first of the year. The entire damn thing.
- He personally destroyed Family Dollar on his way to work, so that’s one less negotiation downtown.
- Bensonfest 2013 is going to be happening at the EEC over three days. Top acts like Garth Brooks, Metallica, Rip Taylor, Paul & Ringo joined by Eric Clapton and Dhani Harrison, Green Day, Barney the Dinosaur, and a surprise appearance by Frank freakin’ Sinatra!
- Personally has negotiated contracts with the following companies: Boeing, Home Depot, Target, Apple, Best Buy, Sam’s Wholesale, Costco, Dell Computers, and an amazing 4 more locations of Dollar General.
- Announced that Ron Janzen has been traded to the Milwaukee Bucks for a 2nd round draft choice and cash.
- Water rationing will continue, except for the Splash Pads, which are now on 24 hours a day. It’s for the damn children people! And those who choose to bathe in them.
- All meals during study sessions shall now be off limits for Enid News & Eagle reporters.
- Smoking cigars and sipping alcohol will now be allowed during all matters of public business and in private offices at City Hall. “They think we do it anyway! To hell with it!”
- The private meetings where all the real decisions are made will now be held on Friday. Agendas will be issued on the Monday after the meetings have occurred.
- Will continue to encourage City Council to vote however they want, but only the green lights work now.
- Officially bought a rubber stamp for the Council.
More to come as it develops……